Thomas Perry‘s series of mystery-thriller novels stars Jane Whitefield, raised in the Seneca culture and professional disappearer: she helps people get away from real trouble and change their identities, with their pursuers close behind. Neat premise, competently executed for the most part. Not great, but generally good. In the latest installment, A String of Beads, Jane helps her childhood friend Jimmy escape first from being framed for killing a man, then from the Mafia, complete with guys with titles like Don.
One of the conceits of the series is that when Jane sleeps, figures appear to her in dreams and help her solve problems related to the case. Jane, and the dream figures, are well aware that they’re figures of Jane’s imagination, not actual visitations from spirits. It’s actually pretty well-done and works within the context Perry provides. If only someone from my childhood would manifest and tell me where my prescription sunglasses went.
Also throughout the text are allusions to Jane’s past attempts at rescuing/disappearing people, standard for a series of novels like this. Two that keep coming up are one where she was shot (the wound is still bugging her) and another where the guy she was helping to disappear ended up dead. Okay, no problem: it adds flavor and nuance.
But about 85% of the way through the novel, she’s visited by the avatar of the guy who got killed. Again, this is fine within the novel’s context: both the visitations and the existence of the guy have already been brought to our attention. The way it’s done, however, completely breaks the narrative:
Harry stood in the shadow a few feet from her at the corner of the porch, leaning against the redbrick [sic] wall. “Of course you’re dreaming.”
Harry Kemple was the runner she had lost. He was the only one who had been found by his pursuer and killed, and his death had been Jane’s fault. Harry died about ten years ago, and he had visited her in her sleep many times since then. Harry was still wearing the bad gray-green sport coat he wore the first time she’d met him. He had made his living running a floating poker game…
Let’s ignore the verb tense problems and focus on the structure. If Harry is important enough to give background for, the background should have been given back when his existence was noted earlier in the book. We’ve never seen Harry’s name yet, nor any details at all about him; just that he was the one who got away—or rather, didn’t get away. This is fundamentally bad form: this far into a narrative, we really shouldn’t have a new character at all, and if we must, then they need to have been foreshadowed in some way.
Also, a key feature of sloppy writing in mass-market fiction is to introduce a character in mid-scene with a single line of dialogue, then stop the flow dead in the water to give us a paragraph of clunky and mostly-irrelevant background. Show us details about the character, or leave them out, or introduce the background gradually, or do it first, before the dialogue starts. It’s lazy, and it breaks the narrative.
Unbelievably, the backstory continues for another page and a half of text. There’s one nugget of information: the guys who tracked down and killed Harry were Mafia, just like the guys after Jerry, though a different branch of the group. For Harry to reveal this to Jane (or really, remind her of it) is fine, but all of this backstory could be condensed into a sentence or two: “Jane had helped Harry escape after he’d witnessed a Mafia hit; ultimately, a contract killer for the organization had deceived Jane in order to track Harry down and kill him.” See how easy that is? Just enough information to give us the right context for why Harry is there this late in the book. We don’t need the recap of Book 4 in the series, including a long paragraph about just how Harry had been tracked down, because none of it is germane to A String of Beads, book 8, except that they both involve the Mafia.
Resist the urge to fill out a word count by giving too much background; find an organic way to put background in the story if you must.