Single Mom (4)

Parts 1, 2, 3.

Last time, I provided a beginning and then explained why, though there was nothing wrong with the text, it wasn’t the most appropriate beginning because it didn’t foreground either of the unusual elements of the story. Try this one, instead.

The scene opened on the black leather couch in Greene’s apartment, empty but for a box of tissues balanced on one armrest. A smiling Greene entered the frame and sat. “Hi, detectives!” he said. “This is kinda weird. Anyway, I’m Taylor Greene and I live in the Highlands, and I guess I’m dead, because you’re watching this. Wow. Probably should’ve worn a tie, y’know?” He leaned forward. “So if I’ve been shot or whatever, the woman who killed me is named Emily Jerome. My lawyer Andy has a bunch of the details. Hey, Andy, howya doin’? Emily’s someone I once had kind of a fling with, like a year ago. From now, I mean; who knows when you’re watching this? January of last year. Then she stole my identity and started writing a blog. I only found out about it last week. I told Andy to tell her to knock it off, but then last night I figured why not try to work it out like grownups, y’know? I’m going over to her house, in Reynoldstown, in about half an hour. So she’s got motive to kill me, for wanting a piece of the action, and she’s about to have the opportunity. What’s left, means? Man, I hope it’s quick and painless. Um, tell my mom I love her–”

Mustapha reached forward and paused the video. “Let me tell you, Ms. Jerome: stuff like this happens way more often in cop shows than it does in real life. So I hope you can understand why we asked you to come over to our office.”

So why is this better? Because it lacks detail. It doesn’t matter, right now, how and when and where Greene was killed; just that he’s dead and speaking from the grave. The only thing I really need from that other beginning is the statement of Lyra the witness, and there’s no reason she can’t be re-interviewed later.

Advertisements
Previous Post
Leave a comment

6 Comments

  1. Single Mom (5) | Julian Cage
  2. Single Mom (6) | Julian Cage
  3. Single Mom (7) | Julian Cage
  4. Single Mom (8) | Julian Cage
  5. Single Mom (9) | Julian Cage
  6. Single Mom (10) | Julian Cage

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: